Mental Walks

The Options of Love Pt. 1

This past week has been nothing short of stressful situation after stressful situation. I guess it was around Wednesday that I finally almost came to the conclusion that I should just not give a fuck about anything anymore, and I still think, to a degree that I should do just that; however, a part of the past came up. One that I had thought would never come into my mind again. Yes, I find myself remembering all the times Emily and I shared together. Though it is now a distant friendship, a part of me wonders if things could ever pick up again. But a few months ago we had this talk already and I don’t want to make things awkward, and I know that me saying that is a contradiction to one of my favorite saying, “It’s only awkward if you think it is.” Yet I cannot help finding my thoughts drawn to her a few times during the day, it’s not like it’s an obsession or anything at all. In all honesty… I think that she was the best thing that had happened to me. In all the women that I have talked with, and attempted to date since then. I can say with a clear mind that to this day, I still have feelings for her, and when I see her, and that is not very often anymore, I get excited. Not the kind of excitement that happens when friends haven’t seen each other in a long time. No. It’s like meeting her for the first time again…. It’s like a flutter in me. I have not felt that in a long time. When I saw she was coming down this coming month, I was nervous about even talking to her, but I forced myself to. I was glad that I did. It’s really hard to say… Do I still have feelings for her? Hell yes I do. Do I want to compromise a very good friendship regardless of the fact there is distance? Heck no. If I had the chance to be with her, and she said yes, would I move? Honestly… yes. The fact of the matter is that I have feelings for her that I don’t have for anyone else, and have not been able to feel. Would I give up music to be with her? That is a very hard thing to ask myself and I would not, but I would hope that I would be able to do both, and if music ever starts to not work out… well, I would be with her.

Oh, sweet numbing nectar, how Ive missed nights like these, drown out the feelings that once had meaning, help me fall into a deep deep slumber so that I might find comfort in the nightmares that run rampant in my mind.